Black Friday is a Horrorshow

I purposely set my alarm for 4:20 AM on Friday, so I could join the droves of sleep-deprived, yet caffeine-addled masses clusterfucking the South Shore so I could cop the coveted black/cement Jordan 3s. When I sauntered my way into the mall, I was absolutely shocked at the confusion mixed with the faint stench of booze, turkey, stuffing, and money. Mothers were fully made-up – North Faces, jewelry, perfume, hair and make-up done. Mystery was whether they were cougars on the prowl for the sales or for prey, but I digress.

Black Friday is the day that companies/retailers turn a profit, or are considered “in the black”. There’s your finance lesson for the day, so I don’t wanna hear, “Is it Black Friday because it’s still dark out?” But over the past few years – you’re potentially in danger if you’re out there, slithering thru the crowds to get your hands on something new for cheap. For instance, yesterday’s laughable national story – California lady pepper sprays crowd as detailed here – [Black Friday Attack] . Maybe you’ll remember the security guard at Walmart in Long Island back in 2008 that got trampled to death when the doors swung open so the overly aggressive bargain shoppers could raid the pride of Arkansas for their cheap goods. Violence is bound to permeate society because of what people want or what people need, but over Dora the Explorer for your kid or a TV for you? Come on, son. That’s absurd.

Aside from the unlikely attack at retailers, you’re subjected to possibly the closest you’ll come to the walking dead, aside from the morning after St. Patty’s Day, New Year’s, or Thanksgiving morning. Mothers running on no real sleep, just adrenaline and coffee, flock to Macy’s, Nordstrom, Best Buy, in order to get their Christmas shopping outta the way and save some cash while doing it. Malls are popping open and throwing the Christmas music on while normal folks are tryna hit all the REM stages and not wake up from the dreams that keep them smiling when they wake at a normal hour. Oh, and the fine employees that work these establishments – fighting off the feistiest of bargain hunters, while working ungodly hours and attempting to keep a sunny disposition – those people are saviors. Unsurprisingly tho, none of all them are cream of the crop. Can’t blame them in the least, but lady that works at Dunks – I ordered a black coffee at 4:40 AM. All I need is a cup of brew that you don’t need to add anything else to. No milk, no sugar. Just black as night coffee, I didn’t order your eyeroll and comment under your breath. Again, I digress.

That being said, I’ll indulge in a little savings on Black Friday from time to time. I like getting to keep a little cash in the pocket by waking up a few hours early with a turkey hangover. That’s cool, but I’m giving you lovely folks some fair warning – if you’re gonna dance with the bull that is Black Friday and its crowd, you might get the horns if you aren’t prepared.

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