Ever go on Facebook just to look around a little bit, check some pictures or whatever, and see the same dude that commented on five different girls’ pictures? You know, the dude splattering “gorgeous”, “beautiful”, “perfect”, or the ever-present and hardly thought out “wowww”. Oh, you have? Yup, that’s what a thirstbucket is. If unanswered, the majority of offenders will slink away or simply move onto the next victim. Consider this Level 1 thirst. Luckily this is where most thirst will end. Some will make their way back. Be aware.

Lemme break this down tho – a thirstbucket is a perpetually lonely, sneaky, mass commenting dude that’ll throw multiple lines in the Facebook water in an attempt to be noticed. [Although it should also be noted that not all females object to this pseudo-interest.] Disclaimer: It’s not just limited to public (pictures/statuses) thirst. Don’t go getting too comfortable now, ladies; your inboxes are not immune to having, what I consider the “backalley creep”, lurking in the shadows of your private messages, drooling and fawning for a piece of that pie.

My absolute dream exposure was given by a Facebook friend – she dumped out her inbox via screen grab and unveiled a series of 30 unanswered messages of varying creepiness and thirst. The term “beautiful” reared its face a few times, which was par for the course. The deeper and higher the message count went, wow. This dehydrated character offered dinner, liquor, VIP at the club. Still, no answer from the girl.

Level 2 thirst came to fruition in the form of self-deprication – “I know I ain’t that cute and you’re perfect, lemme treat you like a queen”. It’s a stunning thing when testosterone filled males will shit on themselves in an attempt to invoke a semblance of attention or pity from a girl. Pull your skirt down, b. Women respect self-esteem and confidence without going over the top. Guys that’ll stoop to the lowest rung by tucking their tail and tryna guilt their target are softer than baby shit in a sneaker. Starter sneakers in a world of Jordans, if you catch what I’m saying.

Levels 3-5 are just varying forms of anger. Three starts out with things like, “you’re just a snobby type, whatever”. You know, tender morsels of anger that attempt to scratch the surface with those superficial characteristics. Child’s play. Basically, the little boy who insults or picks on the girl he has a crush on in kindergarten…15 years later. Level 4 gets a little juicier and mean-spirited. Terms like “bitch”, “ugly”, “whore” take the spots of the positive terminology used when the initial approach took place. Level 5 is a total meltdown where the thirst develops into rage and the lady being pursued might needa take legal action because this dude is off his rocker and most likely needs some counseling.

Alright tho, now that you see why the thirst is a devil used, if ever, in moderation, I have some other things to attend to. Mainly, obeying my thirst. Always a pleasure, so til next time – keep it easy, folks.