First things first, ladies – I’m aware that I have defining facial features, thank you for mentioning that. But this “did you get your eyebrows waxed?” shit is the quickest way for me to stop, look at you funny, then disregard your entire existence. No, I don’t wax my eyebrows – that’s a female and single male Drake fanatic thing.

Although you may wanna compliment my grooming habits, do not attempt to comment on my eyebrows. Those shits are all mine, never been plucked, tweezed, threaded, burned of any of the other shit you females do to avoid the caterpillar unibrow thing. That type of thing is tantamount to putting a steak in front of a vegan – awkward silences, questioning looks, and pure disdain.

Don’t get overly comfortable asking me grooming questions, because you sure as hell wouldn’t like a dude asking you anything within the realm of YOUR personal grooming habits. I take extra, extra care in regards to my upkeep, but asking dumb questions will have you starting our conversation with 5 fouls off the rip. You’ll be walking on eggshells from there on out. And I’ll be allowed all the slaps, reaches, and elbows in the paint.