As I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, Facebook is really looking like the second coming of MySpace. Initially, college kids were the only ones allowed access to Facebook, but since it opened to the public, it’s been absolutely flooded with social miscreants, unsigned rappers, and people who never got past their GED course. Not all is bad, as we’re able to re-connect with people we grew up and outta touch with. There’s the Catch-22 – do we really wanna be linked with people from past periods of our lives? To be subject to awkward small talk about what high school (and earlier) was like? Me, I’m divided on the issue anyways. I like to get to find out what certain people are up to in life. Others, shit, I’ll pass. But opening the door to the public led Facebook to becoming a one-stop shop for fuckery and utter thirst and creepiness. Lemme direct you to a few things that still astound me:
- People using MySpace style names: Outta pure curiosity, why is Johnny Armani Versace wearing Aeropostale in his profile picture? People are still latching onto whatever they woulda done on Facebook, to deepen the veil of anonymity. Miss “Jenna Gucci Ugg Boot Clark” – take that shit back to your parents and see if that’s what they named you. If it wasn’t on your birth certificate, don’t use it.
- Dudes baring chests in profile pictures: What screams “douchebucket” more than the guido juicehead in the profile picture with his shirt off…in winter? Well, fellas, here’s a tip – if you’re not wearing a shirt in your picture and your mouse is hovering over the Add Friend link on my profile…getthefuckouttahere immediately.
- Girls wearing next to nothing…with pictures of their babies next in the album: Ladies, I get it. You had a kid and still wanna show that you got it. I’m an advocate for confidence, but please please please – I don’t wanna see you in some skimpy shit, then the next picture is your baby. There needs to be some separation between what got you your baby and the outcome.
- Males using “LOL” and emoticons: Dudes should never use “LOL”, “LMAO”, or “tee hee”. That shit is wildly unmasculine and I will absolutely pull your card if you’re following those up with a smiley face or a heart. Leave that shit for childbearing creatures (aka WOMEN).
- Phantom accounts: Ever had one of those random requests come thru. You know damn well that you dunno them and they have NO mutual friends? Yeah, those shits are absolutely, 100% canned spam. No random person from 1000 miles away is gonna find your ass in a sea of 250 million people on Facebook and decide to spark a conversation/friendship. Shit’s most likely used to creep your profile…or it’s the dude in the picture at the top of the page.
Until next time…keep your Facebook tight, fight the thirst, and block anyone that fits any of the criteria above.