So today I had the pleasure of sauntering my ass thru the clusterfuck that is the Wrentham Outlets, a mere week before Christmas in the high 30 degree weather when I saw a truly confounding, frightening sight – the Ed Hardy store. Never have I imagined such uncontrollable fuckery and throngs of misguided style heathens in one spot outside of the Jersey Shore itself.

But it gets better (or worse, depending on perspective) – thru the front door of the gates to Hell, over the glare of lights reflecting off the puddles of grease, hair gel, tears left on the floor by the patrons and the employees, I saw the posterboy for expired douchebag fashion. If Christ himself would have allowed my camera to get a clear shot of this Ed Hardy-dripped cornball, it would have been magic. Dude had on a sequin-riddled trucker hat, huge aviator shades, and a long-sleeved graphic tee (which presumably featured a dragon being flown thru the sky by a chimp with ruby eyes), sewn into the shorter sleeves of a black tee. This shirt was accented by what looked like a grasshopper throwing dice with a eagle. But the jeans had a dragon wrapped around the back, down the leg.

First rule of thumb – never should you wrap yourself completely up with an outfit from the same designer. It’s just overkill, period. Add-on, never throw on a collection of some of the douchiest shit, look in the mirror, smile, throw on bubble shades, and walk outta the house the impression that you are anything more than a dickhead that missed a trend that shoulda been deader than dead within six months of it hitting stores.

Aside from visual fabric fuckery, Audigier is a marketing guru. Dude has his designs on lighters (for goonish smokers), kitchenware (for Guy Fieri Stans), coffee mugs, air fresheners (to thicken the scent of despair and hairspray in your car), and steering wheel and seat covers. Ughh. Paid to give seizures to people with fashion sense. WARNING – if you spot an Ed Hardy shirt or hat with sequins on it in the light, avoid looking directly at it, to avoid your eyes committing harikari.

Just remember – friends don’t let friends wear Ed Hardy. If they do, they’re as much of a dickhead as the one wearing it.