Ever been in an awkward situation and decided that the best way to break the ice would be to make what you thought would be a hilarious joke/statement, just to have it fall upon deaf and now irritated and potentially offended ears? There’s some times when injecting a little humor doesn’t exactly slide in smoothly and you’re left looking like a dickhead. Ahh, such is life.
Seeing as I like lists and people don’t love reading paragraphs, here are a few examples of instances when all jokes should be left to the side:
- Funerals: No one needs to hear you make a “cold body” joke while standing 5 feet from a casket. ex. – “Well, Miss Jones always had a cold heart towards me. Seems fitting that the rest of her matches now.”
- Best Man at Wedding Reception: Very touchy situation here. Nine times outta ten, the drunker the best man giving the toast, the more violation of this rule happens. ex. – “I’m glad Mike found the love he was looking for with Amy. She has a ton of love to give. Just ask the defensive line from the football team in high school, am I right?” (delivered with a self-assured cocksucking grin)
- Traffic stop/DUI Checkpoint: Yeah, the boys in blue aren’t interested in hearing you crack jokes once they get you on the side of the road with their lights teetering on seizure-inducing. ex. – “Hey officer. I bet you could probably use a drink after dealing with the jerkoffs you pull over every day, huh?” (which drunkenly sounds like – “Heh occifer. Betchu could usea drink after…jerkoffs…”)
- Job interviews: It’s no secret that the economy’s in the shitter right now. Make sure your job prospects and sense of humor aren’t its roommates. ex. – “Well, I can’t say necessarily saw myself being interested in this position, but then again, that’s what my last one-night stand said…” (finishes off insulting comment with attempted fist bump)
- Church: One of the holier locations to avoid polishing your horrific tendencies to sprinkle offensiveness. ex. – “In the name of the Lord…lemme get that Jesus Juice, bro.”
- Blind dates: Lemme preface this by saying the following – until you get a feel for your date’s sense of humor, don’t be too out there. ex. – “I know it’s still a little early, but you’re amazing. I swear, my wife would absolutely adore you…”
- The newly single, attractive co-worker: I can’t stress it enough – DON’T mix business with pleasure. ex. – “You’re not my boss, but DAMN, you gave me a little raise right now.” Umm…I really overheard this exact statement at an old job and summarily spit my coffee out. Interestingly enough, dude’s next date was a three-way – Him, HR, and unemployment line.
- Any type of racial/classist/sexist jokes around strangers: I kindly remind you to please take solace in chilling. This type of shit is over the line offensive and, depending on quantity of offended folks, could be the last thing you say before a trip to the ER. ex. – “Ahh, I really like that name, must be Indian. Dot or feather tho? You know, 7-11 or casino Indian?” / “[insert Walmart/low-class commentary here]” / “They say milk makes for some strong bones, but THOSE milk jugs gave me the strongest bone. EVER.”