See this chick, faceplanted against the cold cement, wondering where she’s at? Yeah, I predict at the very least, 30% of your friends and family will inevitably spend some time this weekend tongue fucking the concrete, due to the influence of various liquors, combined with overflowing beers. Black and tan, you say? Too many are gonna leave that face of yours black and blue.

Now, it’s long been said that St. Patty’s Day is the one day of the year that “everyone’s Irish”. Oh word? I don’t see Dikembe Mutombo out at an Irish pub, sing-songing it up, wearing a green tophat with shamrocks, and swilling fucking Guiness, do you? Shit, I’ll be perfectly content being a drunken Italian on St. Patty’s Day, because…St. Patrick himself was an Italian. Yes, your pagan God of Irish boozehounds is actually a paisan. Any other guesses what fabled kinfolk us Italians have? Here’s a hint – he’s fat, jolly, brings presents to little children towards the latter part of December? If you guessed anyone besides Santa (St. Nicholas), there’s a chance you probably already started on the sauce.

That being said, I really implore my people out there to drink with the utmost caution on a day like tomorrow. Yeah, we know you’ll be drinking boilermakers, Jameson straight, Black and Tans, for breakfast, but don’t let the booze cloud your judgment. Hooking up with the blonde girl in the shamrock-framed shades, green tutu, and quarter pound of make-up may sound like a good idea until the following morning. BUT, if you’re smart about it, you can lay your pride on the line and attack old cakeface for the betterment of your eventful day. Just make sure to escape before she wakes up outta her corned beef and cabbage-induced coma.

St. Patrick’s Day was originally celebrated in Boston in 1734, so yes – due to the heavily Irish and Italian populated city and suburbs, this shit is always an event in itself. Mayor Mumbles Menino has taken extra precautions as far as the sale and serving of liquor – no liquor at the parade, liquor stores MUST close before they normally would, lest they sell to the shitfaced, aggressive, and potentially “slow” Southie residents. Words like “dude”, “bro”, “guy” will fly wildly throughout the seemingly crisp air, over the heads of frightened children that are forced to watch some dickhead in green body paint dance around, stumble, bump into someone, and fight. Yeah, parades are for everyone, not necessarily just a horde of blind drunk Bostonians looking to make bad decisions.

Be safe, be aware, be lit – but even thru all the shots, drinks, beers handed to you that you know you shouldn’t drink – be smart. I don’t have bail money for a single one of you. Sorry, it’s going towards my liquor.