Good afternoon, folks. I’m writing this out of pure concern, distaste, and contempt for jean shorts, less affectionately known as jorts. The man (and woman) pictured above are completely enamored with what I consider the “Doublewiders uniform”, of jean shorts and cutoff tees. Allow me to go on my tangent:

Hey, what in the fuck is wrong with you? Out of all the things in the world that you can wear, WHO told you that wearing lengthy, sloppily crafted, long-been out of style, denim shorts with white tubes socks is a look that’s appropriate for anyone in the Northern states? Know what fucking trend I’ve noticed – dickheads and the fashion-averse rock jorts with no sense of shame. I can’t generalize and say that ALL jort-wearing folks are unemployed, uneducated, or from the South. But I can and will stand by the statement that no one under the age of 60 should wear dungaree shorts.

There’s a difference – JORTS are made of the shoddiest, shittiest, cheapest, most tasteless denim this side of China. I struggle to even call them “jean shorts” because to me, denim is made specifically to cover legs from waist to ankle. Jeans are nicely constructed. They fit (depending on who’s wearing them) and conform to your body. Dungarees are shit material, worn by hicks, farmers, husky children, folks that live in trailers, or otherwise couldn’t be bothered to give a slanted sliver of a fuck about presentation. Meanwhile, folks who care about how they look (not only to the public, but to themselves) wouldn’t be comfortable sliding into $1.99 cotton fuckery with horrendous stitching, back pocket emblems, or allowing their ridiculously oversized abomination of denim hang sloppily off their legs, often down in the mid-calf or ankle region. There’s a reason there are racks on racks on racks of jorts selling for basement low prices at Marshalls, TJ Maxx, etc.

I don’t really care who you are, what you stand for, what good you bring to those around you – if you wear cutoff jorts, cowboy boots, and DON’T have a vagina, there’s a realistic chance that you weren’t hugged enough as a child. Matter of fact, you may very well have been picked on to the point that you no longer have any particular interest in being a respected member of society. On top of that, you look remarkably ridiculous. As an aside, I will remark on it.

Things that people say aren’t slander if they are true. That being said, fellas, if you own jorts, do yourself a huge favor – pile each and every pair of those dungee shorts as high as they’ll possibly reach somewhere. Take the cheapest liquor of your choice (that you won’t drink, heathens) and douse every single square inch of worthless denim. Strike a match, flick a lighter, or throw your lit cigarette directly on top and watch as the sky lights up with the illumination of bad decisions, broken dreams, and hopeless futures release into the ether.