French Vanilla Failures and Broken Dreams

Morning, folks. Enjoying your coffee while you’re reading this? Good, that makes one of us. For the third time in two months, second time in two weeks, the fine folks at my local Dunkin Donuts have thrown a serious wrench into my morning, by fucking up literally the simplest of orders.

Some people like their coffee as light as Chico Debarge, Meghan Fox, or even Kim Kardashian. They load up the drink of the Gods with too much milk/cream, dump in enough sugar or Splenda to make the healthiest person in the world immediately be diagnosed with diabetes. They dilute the deep, rich taste of premium coffee with dairy and sweeteners to the point it doesn’t even resemble coffee. I’m not that dude.

I believe in good, raw caffeine, no frills, with the additional liquid cocaine turbo shot. Should be easy as fuck to remember for anyone with a full set of teeth and a high school education to get, right? Nah, not a chance. My large French Vanilla, BLACK, with a turbo shot has become as difficult to complete as a calculus test for a kid whose math talents ended with “counting on toes”.
In the past two months, my FVBTS has been subjected to the following fuckery

  • substituted for a Large Vanilla Chai, which is the equivalent of tongue kissing a broad who’s been drinking toilet wine and vomiting it back up.
  • French Vanilla with CREAM AND 4 SPLENDA. What in the fuck? My coffee choice is always strong, undiluted, and Charlie Murphy dark. The shit in my cup right now? Baby powder light. Scratch that – dude from the movie Powder light.

I generally don’t get into the ether too early in the morning, but if you GED-failing folks don’t get your collective shit together over there, I’m really gonna splash this hot fucking sugar milk back thru the drivethru window at you. Are we completely clear yet? By the way, I’ll be back tomorrow to bitch and claim my free coffee since you’ve already started my Friday off fucked up. You don’t like your job? Quit. Don’t fuck my day up because you’re either miserable, don’t give a fuck, or don’t mind hot, steaming coffee facials.

2 thoughts on “French Vanilla Failures and Broken Dreams

  1. I’m fully on board with coffee facials for these people that can’t get the simplest of things right… hence me going to Marylou’s every day when Dunks is usually quicker and closer but at least at MLou’s they do it correctly. Without fail EVERY time I go to Dunks they fuck up my order… and I do mean EVERY time. The fucked up part is that sometimes I do office runs and get quite a few coffees and somehow mine is the only order they fuck up. I could get 6 of the same fucking coffee and alas… MINE’S MADE WRONG!!! It’s amazing. And as you said, ordered in the simplest of ways… skim only. Pretty simple. But apparently Dunk’s employees not only failed to obtain that diploma… they clearly missed their hearing test as well. No offesnse Ant, I apologize they fucked up your mornin but I feel just the sliiiiiightest bit bettah knowing it’s not some sick joke that they’re playing on me. Especially considering I’ve tried several different locations and traveled for a good damn coffee and have never gotten results.


  2. lol this is very true, it’s the worst thing ever, I’m not a fan of coffee flavored cream/milk they call coffee or the mountain of sugar they put and don’t mix when you don’t even ask for it; as far as marylous coffee those bubblegum princesses are usually are a little too perky or phony for me; maybe a combo of both…I actually make pretty good iced coffee at home I must say!


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