Morning, folks. Enjoying your coffee while you’re reading this? Good, that makes one of us. For the third time in two months, second time in two weeks, the fine folks at my local Dunkin Donuts have thrown a serious wrench into my morning, by fucking up literally the simplest of orders.
Some people like their coffee as light as Chico Debarge, Meghan Fox, or even Kim Kardashian. They load up the drink of the Gods with too much milk/cream, dump in enough sugar or Splenda to make the healthiest person in the world immediately be diagnosed with diabetes. They dilute the deep, rich taste of premium coffee with dairy and sweeteners to the point it doesn’t even resemble coffee. I’m not that dude.
I believe in good, raw caffeine, no frills, with the additional liquid cocaine turbo shot. Should be easy as fuck to remember for anyone with a full set of teeth and a high school education to get, right? Nah, not a chance. My large French Vanilla, BLACK, with a turbo shot has become as difficult to complete as a calculus test for a kid whose math talents ended with “counting on toes”.
In the past two months, my FVBTS has been subjected to the following fuckery
- substituted for a Large Vanilla Chai, which is the equivalent of tongue kissing a broad who’s been drinking toilet wine and vomiting it back up.
- French Vanilla with CREAM AND 4 SPLENDA. What in the fuck? My coffee choice is always strong, undiluted, and Charlie Murphy dark. The shit in my cup right now? Baby powder light. Scratch that – dude from the movie Powder light.
I generally don’t get into the ether too early in the morning, but if you GED-failing folks don’t get your collective shit together over there, I’m really gonna splash this hot fucking sugar milk back thru the drivethru window at you. Are we completely clear yet? By the way, I’ll be back tomorrow to bitch and claim my free coffee since you’ve already started my Friday off fucked up. You don’t like your job? Quit. Don’t fuck my day up because you’re either miserable, don’t give a fuck, or don’t mind hot, steaming coffee facials.