April Fool’s DON’TS

Today’s the international day of fuckery, folks. Pranks get played, lies get told, all in the name of April Fool’s Day. But beware, there are certain things you don’t pull out today unless you have a mean right hook or no feelings in that cold, calculating heart of yours:

  • Pregnancy: Ladies, don’t jokingly play your man/on call plaything with some “We hafta talk…” shit. Things could really get super ugly, super real when he up and leaves on you…before you get to tell him you’re joking. Don’t get your feelings and aspirations dashed if you aren’t ready for it.
  • Death: The internet is gonna run rampant today with rumors of dead celebrities, dead folks coming back, etc. Don’t add to it by claiming you, yourself, are deathly ill, on your last legs, or even consider throwing the name of a family member in there. Somewhere, someone is actually horribly fucked up and no one will take you serious if you pull that card out.
  • Love: Fellas, if you’re using the “I love you” card today to get some sexing, may you catch the clap for your indiscretions. Hey, I don’t knock your game for it, but if you’re fucking with girls that gullible to believe those three words without caring about today’s significance, you’re probably meant to be anyways.
  • Exposed lottery winners: In the shadow of some lucky folks in Maryland, Kansas, and Illinois winning huge money, there are gonna be those “OH my GOD! I didn’t wanna say, but I WON!” type of people out there. Inevitably they’ll see people coming outta the woodwork, trying to make amends to past bullshit they’d gone thru, in hopes of a little monetary kickback. Don’t go throwing apologies around in you know there’s no money in it.
  • Tattoos: Every day, people get absurd ink. From shitty drawings, awful concepts, unfortunate placement, and YES, misspellings, people might just think that “cool new tat” you got is a web-found picture of ridiculous fortune. Don’t be that person with ink-laden skin that comes to the harsh (and sobering) reality that your new addition was a terrible decision.
  • Everyone’s a comedian: Amateur jokers are gonna fall flat on their faces today. They’re gonna try to come up with some ridiculously overplanned, underexecuted garbage and it’s gonna explode, full force, in their face. Good, leave the humor to experts, and go right ahead and try again next year.
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