Early Summer Predictions

Weather’s sexy, right? Well, therein lies the gift (for the single) and curse (for the taken) of summer – sexy weather leads to sexy clothes/scantily clad folks, and a case of the wandering eyes. You can blame it on the heat, the alcohol, the scenery, that you didn’t eat lunch before you went out, whatever. All I know is shit goes absolutely haywire once that mercury climbs and perches at or above 78 degrees. That said, I’m gonna make some seriously bold statements in regards to the impending ridiculousness:

  • 35% of couples that have been together 3 months or less will inexplicably break up. Blame it on the aforementioned vices: liquor and sex. Oh, and promiscuity. For the fellas, THIS is duck season.
  • You’ll lose respect for someone close to you due to their choice of summer attire. Skinny jeans are awful for dudes to get a running start to slide into. But when they go redneck hipster and lop off half a leg worth of denim on EACH side to create skinny jorts? Insanity. Whoever you pray to didn’t die for skinny jorts to exist.
  • You’ll see a grown ass man/woman swimming and tanning in a t-shirt. Hey, not everyone’s 100% comfortable showing what God decided to hand them, and that’s fine. Just don’t poke the bear – they get angry oh so quickly.
  • You’ll see a close friend hook up with someone you despise. Could be the liquor, could be the rising levels of horniness…or could be that your friend is tryna distance himself/herself from you. Judgmental ass.
  • Someone close to you will shitfacedly cockblock you during a day-long gropefest. Shit happens and mama bear or Sgt. Fuckstick will absolutely plant two feet in the lane and take a charge on your drive to the bucket. Shameful shit.
  • This will be the BEST summer you’ve ever had. Conversely, this’ll be a summer season worth erasing from memory for a lotta you. Unforeseen shit (DUIs, death, heartbreak, incarceration) could absolutely derail whatever you had going for you thru the other 3 seasons leading up to sexualized summer. Be smart. Being a dickhead only gets you popped and not in a good way.
  • Baby season: It’s inevitable – someone’s gonna get pregnant. Drunken, heat comatose sex causes sloppiness and laziness. Either someone’s gonna have the old hole in the jimmy hat issue, someone’s forgetting their pill, or someone just refuses to pull out before the trigger releases, some of you will be expecting winter babies!

Me? Shit, I tryta make the most outta every day, employed or not. All I know is I have some vacation time to burn and I’m tryna black out and get burned redder than a Bulls jersey. But be careful, when you drink at beaches all day, then hit the bars, you look like this (ahem, me not her):

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