I feel I’m entitled to a little bit of a rant today, as the weather was wet and gloomy (kinda like your ex, amIright?). Anyways, people needa revisit that imaginary handbook that clearly lays out the guidelines on how to chill. Lemme just run thru and gun down some folks for the following:
- Shock value: Nothing screams “ignorant!” more than the people who say outlandish, horrifying, and borderline sociopathic shit in an effort to get a rise outta people. In the face of tragedy or loss, these are the dickheads that make ridiculously coldhearted and callous shit. Whether it be on social media, on a website, in a letter, or just in conversation, some motherfuckers must learn how to bite their tongues, lest I yank the flapping hunk of flesh outta their cockcarrier. Yes, I used “cockcarrier” as a euphemism for “mouth”. Count it!
- Opposite sex slanderers: Ladies, if you’re out there saying, “All men suck/are the worst/are the same/are assholes”, I implore you to point out who states you should taste test every dude you’ve come across that led you to this conclusion. You broads aren’t exactly boosting your worth or giving dudes a reason to pursue you. But it’s not just you females – DUDES are notorious for calling chicks “bitches”, “hoes”, “whores” and “sluts”. Fellas, wifing a known and habitual dickhopper was a sucker move on your part. Pay the price for dating a smut. Sit in the corner and think on what you’ve done.
- Keyboard thugs: First and foremost – if you’re the type to fingerbang your keyboard/smartphone in anger, I know you most likely aren’t about that life. If you’re making threats of physical violence over the internet, you’re cotton soft. Anyone, yes anyone, can look like a TOUGH GUY TYPING IN FUCKING CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS, YOU FUCK! See, kinda looked mad, right? Mad and juvenile. The realest folks I’ve ever met kept shit quiet in public…til they came across their target and mashed the fuck out. Screaming on someone thru a computer is equivalent to shooting a pistol into the air – sure, sounds scary at first, then you realize it’s not doing any damage.
- Homie hoppers: Ladies, know this – fellas talk. I’ve touched on this before, but some of you are still fucking with dudes in the same circle. What’s that like being in a room with a bunch of testosterone-filled males who’ve already pinned your ankles behind your ears on multiple occasions? Is that an awkward situation that all those kids know how your birthday suit looks and fits? Nah, you hoes couldn’t care less.
- People who chase: Nowadays, we’re all so connected that it’s nearly impossible to not get a hold of someone that you need to talk to. That’s a gift and a curse. If I put up a status about something, DO NOT comment “hey, what’s up?” or “yo”, if it’s not applicable to the subject I’m tryna touch on. More than that, if you text me and don’t get a response right away, hitting me on Facebook or Twitter probably won’t get me to get right back to you anyways.
- Kid pictures…then ho pictures: I love kids, I really do. I think they’re absolutely adorable, but please (for all of our sake) keep pictures separate. Why should I see your baby in his/her crib, then the next picture is mommy dearest poking her pancake ass out, flicking pictures in the mirror? Who taught you that shit? Honestly, who told you that it’s acceptable to mix sexualized pictures up with baby pictures? Fucking weirdos.
Whew, glad I got all that shit outta my head. Now, remember to follow me on Twitter (@Ant_SnL), Instagram (ant_781), and bookmark the blog…or be the hand that crushes yourself dead.