Alright, folks – if you remember, approximately four months back, I laid out a list of my (somewhat) outlandish predictions for how your collective summers out play out. For a reminder, it’s right here. Now, let’s go back and see what level of psychic I qualify for, shall we?
- How many of you lovebirds went ahead and lost what you thought was gonna be one of those new, blisteringly hot relationships that was bound to last thru the summer? Ladies, did you have your playtoy tell you, “I think I just need to be single right now, but you’re an amazing girl”? I assumed 35% of you got single. I’m thinking it’s probably higher. Moving on…
- I’m more than willing to bet that most of you probably cut off someone you kicked it with based on the fact she (or he) refused to wear attire that should never have come off the clearance rack at your local Walmart. Jorts were out, weren’t they? I bet they were and that your circle’s effectively smaller because of this. I know.
- Everyone was beach bound or water parking it this summer and the inevitable random swimming in a t-shirt and catching farmer’s tans via a beach chair was never once outta your line of vision. Count it!
- Ladies, ladies, ladies – that dude that you hate, either because he wore you out like old socks OR just never called again. He hooked up with one of your friends, didn’t he? Oh, and you caught wind of it while they tried to hide it? Yeah, something told me that happened more than once. People aren’t nearly as slick as they think and word travels. Intentionally or otherwise.
- You hit the beach with a group of a-alikes and mingle with a batch of strangers and the sexual tension’s so thick you can slash it with a butter knife. The day progresses, you’re tryna get it in and…one of your own cohorts drunkenly obliterates your chances. For some, this shit was a weekly occurrence. So sorry for you.
- For some, summer 2012 was an eye-opening, horizon-expanding, liver-corroding, smile-inducing span of sun, booze, hookups/new lust, and memories you’ll be hardpressed to erase from memory. For others, legal issues, tragedy, and sadness just lingered for three hard months. I’d imagine it’s a 60/40 split on this topic. Good for some, my apologies to others.
- I’m wrapping up here and chances are some of you shoulda done the same. Since you didn’t, you’re now just counting down the days until a new early winter arrival, a result of neglectful sex, lowered inhibitions, and fertilized eggs. You say “wahhh” now, but that’s all some folks will be hearing come Christmas and New Year’s. Beach body readiness now has you baby bottle ready. Oops.
Just remember, folks – it’s always easier to be right when you take the functionality of peers into account. For the young and reckless, you’re reading this and thinking that I’m either A) a psychic, B) been thru it, or C) I’ve been spying on you. Fuck it tho, it was your summer to enjoy. I’m hoping you did, because I sure as shit did.