Thanksgiving Eve Predictions


As we all are all aware, Thanksgiving Eve is the most drank about (?) faux-holiday of the year. A night where we turn the levels of counterproductive hydration, inherent thirsting, and a phone fulla drunk texts up to 11 and throw all sense of civility aside.

The type of binge drinking and inevitable regrets that go hand-in-hand with TGE (my coinage) make our stomachs turn and heads pound to the beat of whatever horrendous fucking music was pouring thru the speakers at whatever establishment we embarrassed ourselves at the night before. How that’s for a run-on sentence?

As with most high points of the year, there are gonna be some regrets that go past just having a hangover, so I’ve taken it upon myself to construct a list of things that’ll inevitably occur. Be warned, be aware, be careful. Really.

Someone wakes up with a chipped (or missing) tooth: You know how it goes, you’re wasted and overly excited. You raise your bottle or glass to your lips with reckless abandon and BANG – glass on tooth assault. Unprovoked, but you’ll be chewing turkey with a fang or stuffing your newfound gap with…stuffing.

Coyote ugly morning: Oh, the one nighters we’ll have. A night of debauchery landed you in a foreign bed, hungover and yuckmouthed, next to a less than attractive partner whose family is already piling into the house. What’s a walk of shame without a crowd to greet you, reeking of booze and shameful sex?

Black eyes at the dinner table: “You know the type/Loud as a motorbike, but wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight”. Speaking of fruit fights, one of your drunken asses goes out, blackouts, gets knocked out. All that liquid courage got you punched in the eye, which you’ll proudly display over biscuits, cranberry sauce, and an accompanying ice pack.

Turkey Day bail out : Regrettable decisions can often lead to some regrettable court dates come Friday morning. Liquor consumption lends itself to its fair share of stupidity and, a lotta times, stupidity leads to jail cells. Who doesn’t wanna indebted to someone for bail money?

Rock star lifestyle, might not make it : Sometimes all that hard partying leads to comas that last far beyond expectation. When the fam’s over, the bird’s cut, and it’s time to eat, do you really wanna be that person who misses dinner…again?

Uninvited guest : On par with the Thanksgiving walk of shame, someone somewhere is gonna be victim of the one that doesn’t go away. That TGE one nighter doesn’t have plans for Thanksgiving, so guess who (s)he wants to spend the day with? Yup, you. This could be the beginning of a beauty thing, right? You know, already spending the holidays together and all.

First and foremost, be careful. Lotta things can go wrong on a night where everyone’s drinking. Be safe, keep your eyes open, and prove me wrong. Maybe.

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