New Year’s Predictions

Well, well, well – those Mayans musta really been off their game if we made it this far, huh? As we approach the beginning of a new year, we must look back on the good, the bad, the unfathomable that have happened over the course of 2012. It hasn’t all been good, clearly – the Sandy Hook school shootings in Newtown, CT just days before Christmas; Chicago’s 500 homicides; the “fiscal cliff” and all that insane political shit that dragged on for months and months. On top of all that, we were about to just wrap the year up and Kanye made the announcement that his hand-me-down life partner Kim K is pregnant with a doomed-to-be-egomaniacal baby. Fuck.

Less chat about things we can’t control, let’s get right down the the predictions that I have for 2k13. Some are gonna be shocking, some are gonna be spot on. Some…will be shockingly spot on. Without further ado…

  • Ball drop? Maybe – As a typical bodily response to mass consumption of liquor in anticipation of the ball dropping and ringing in a new year. some of you are straight up gonna be too fucked up to keep your eyes open by the time Dick Clark’s hologram mechanically says, “Happy New Year”. Shit, it’s happened to me too…
  • New Year’s Pity Kiss – With tradition comes struggle. Not everyone will have a partner they’re closing out 2012 with, so when that time comes to lock liquory lips with someone, some of you may be ass out. Don’t fret, the legless blonde with mascara running down her cheeks or Ed Hardy buttonup wearing dickhead could surely be your first mistake of 2013.
  • January 1 bed guest? – Look, just because you made a resolution to end one night stands and regretful hookups doesn’t mean you’re drunkenly gonna stick to your half-hearted resolutions. I’m willing to wager that if you’re borderline blackout by 10 PM tonight, you’ll wake up next to someone that you probably wouldn’t normally. Who am I kidding? I’d be dumb to assume drunken sex isn’t a priority tonight. My mistakes. Moving on…
  • Drunk Words, Sober Thoughts – Cue Usher’s “Confessions”. We know what happens when there’s liquor in your system – inhibitions drop and that friend, you know the one with the nice eyes and smile, looks like an absolute bullseye for your drunken outpouring of emotion, tears, and unrequited love. Or is it unrequited? CAUTION: letting the cat outta the bag in 2012 can cause an uncomfortable start to 2013.
  • “Staying In. Gym Starts Tomorrow” – While I don’t doubt that some people are steadfast in their resolve to make their bodies (and lives) better and more fruitful by going to the gym and starting fresh, to quote Jay – “We don’t believe you, you need more people!” How many times have you said to yourself, “I’m going to the gym. I’m gonna work out”? How much money has been wasted paying in full for a year and seeing the lustrous interior of the gym a handful of times before tucking your tail and never going back? Exactly.
  • “If Kim and Kanye did it…” – Ok, Kim and Kanye are having a kid. This doesn’t give you an excuse to try to emulate what those two are doing right now. If you wanna follow in Kim’s footsteps, set the camera up and perform. Ahem…
  • New Year, New Relationship – You just might (emphasis) meet someone that immediately blows your mind tonight and you’ll spend the entire first day of 2013 wrapped up in blankets, doing brunch, or whatever you kids do nowadays. Could be a long shot, but stranger shit has happened.
  • Work – Ok, I guess this could mean “putting in work”, although if I meant that, I’d say “fucking”. I’m grown, shut it. What I mean is actual work. People are shitfaced, causing a raucous, and you’re earning some paper. That’s my New Year’s Eve and I’m good with that.
  • Beer Balls, Metal Bracelets – Yup, this again. Why is it that any time there’s alcohol flowing, there’s always that one person in the group that has the audacity to drunkenly fuck shit up in one way or another and YOU, good friend that you are, makes a trip to the local police station to throw your hard-earned cash down for bail? It’s not just the fellas, some of these ratchet broads are no stranger to cold metal benches and matching accessories.

Realistically, this can be a life-altering night for a lotta people. The promise of new experiences in 2K13 is enough for some to buckle down and get it going right from jump. Others are gonna be doomed to do the same dumb shit they did to start the last couple years and inevitably, nothing gets better. Where do you stand (if you can stand tonight)? See you next year!

One thought on “New Year’s Predictions

  1. You forgot about one other pregnancy. Even worse in my mind than K Kardashian. It’s more of a fist pumping, almost midget…. Snooki!! Before the baby was born all I could imagine was the baby from the movie “Eraser Head”. Hope 2013 brings smarter kids being made by dumb decisions.


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