This morning, I had an unnecessary blast from the past, a look back into the recesses of my memory that had eroded over the past decade and change – thrown into the clutches of nostalgia via the 40+ year old woman at work, dressed to the fives in pleated, PLEATED LEI Jeans. My Christ on the cross, who allowed her to slither into the closet of a 90s teenage girl? The look on my face was something like this:

Flattering shot, right? Yeah, about as flattering as a pancake ass in those ass-flattening, flare-legged denim abominations. Fortunate for me, those weren’t the only fad that existed circa 1997, when I entered teendom and now, I take time to reflect on the standards for what existed in that snapshot of time. See if you can keep up while we speed down the one-way that is Memory Lane:

Boys Standard: adidas tee, adidas Superstar Low, Tommy Hilfiger carpenters. Simplistic, branded, expensive at the time.

Additional gear of note: Spitfire, Toy Machine tees; Levi jeans; khakis…yes, Dockers; introduction to the absurd JNCO trend. Dudes were floating at all times, no 420 (for some).

Girls Standard: Gap tees, Nike cheerleading sneakers (even girls who couldn’t cheer), aforementioned LEI flare-legged fuckery.

Additional gear of note: Who the fuck knows? Nike, adidas, Gap; hoodies with kittens on em? I have no idea whatsoever about what they were doing. Sorry, girls.

Ahh, remember that? Sure you do. But I have a feeling you’ll remember this disasterous pairing of haircuts just as well. Cringe-worthy. Honestly, what did we, as 13 year old kids, think was sexy or cute about bowlcuts and bangs that stuck 4 inches off the forehead of the cute girl in class? And to kick it up a notch, the ladies were pulling the crazy tight ponytails on top of that, giving them the same hairline as that dickhead playing for the Heat.

Now that I sufficiently threw myself back to the days of lockers, hall passes, dudes drawing initials and hearts on brown paper bag book covers, I’m gonna attempt to forget taking the time to write this. Til next time…