Remember when your teachers and parents would say, “There’s nothing cool about being dumb”? Guess who wasn’t lying and guess who’s the Picasso of drawing the blankest of stares?

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like a lotta people either coasted thru high school with complete indifference towards the English language itself or faked it til they made it. People on Facebook, Twitter, or in everyday life, some just disregard anything that’d make them appear semi-intelligent. The very combinations of letters and words would allow you to carry on a respectable conversation without hearing crickets or the Jeopardy! theme song, but nah. You musta been the coolest 14 year old 6th grader EVER, b. Now, lemme break down my findings for you devoted readers:

People seemingly have not the slightest fucking clue as to the differentiation between “there”, “their”, and “they’re”. My community service for the day (not even court mandated!) is as follows:

There: for use as a location. IE; “Johnny met his side chick THERE.”
Their: for use showing ownership or relation to. IE; “Everyone and THEIR mother wants to be a rapper nowadays.”
They’re: a contracted form of ‘they are’. IE; “I don’t care what Johnny and Maria say – THEY’RE dumber than a box of rocks.”

Now, what’s REALLY gonna fuck you up is this —> “They’re going over there to pick up their punk son.” Now, if you can’t tell the difference between “two”, “to”, and “too”, I really hope you don’t plan on procreating, because, more than likely, your kids won’t stand a chance in the world. Oh, by the way, words that are pronounced the same, but spelled differently and have different meanings are “homonyms” or “homophones”. If anyone tries to be slick and call me a homonym, I’m reserving five fingers for your cheek. Before I forget – “our” and “are” and “no” and “know”. Yeah, somehow people are still getting these confused and there’s NO correlation between either of those. I can’t figure you out. I really can’t.

Other common fuck-ups and grammatical disasters include the constant butchering of “definitely”. How do you look at a word that shows up underlined in a text as blatantly wrong and you look at it and say, “Yup, that looks right”? Why must you hate everything that spell check exists for? If something is for certain, it’s a “definite”. So how can you validate a statement and say “definately”? Yes, words can change depending on tense or usage. This word tho…this isn’t one of em. And the people slaughtering this common word? Those are the people who thought spelling bees were for nerds. Well, those nerds are making six figures somewhere and these clueless spellers and folks who act like their English classes were just a waste of time are making my coffee in the morning with a dazed and confused look written all over their faces.

Take pride in a language we were born into, damn it. If we grew up together, I’m still tryna figure out why you spell like you took English as a second language, b. It’s a sad state of affairs when every text I get from you looks like a drunk text. Clean it up. God forbid you needa write a resumé…because I won’t be helping you out. Don’t make me start giving spelling tests on a weekly basis either.