“Can’t wear skinny jeans cuz my knots don’t fit” – Jay Z
Damn, wouldn’t it be nice if everyone just happened to live by that mantra, regardless if they’re stacking cake instead of smuggling grapes?
Well, I’m back at it on a Monday afternoon, freshly injected with a hit of caffeine in an attempt to shine the spotlight on dudes who tryta get into their girl’s jeans…literally. These miscreants are tryna fucking slither into denim reserved for their estrogenical counterparts and looking like they wrapped themselves in raw denim Saran Wrap. Obviously – “fuckouttahere”, but let’s expand on the situation.
Fellas, if you can’t sit comfortably in a pair of jeans, you got no business wearing em, point blank. I dunno what type of Kool-Aid you’re sipping on to think that you’re really out there styling on people when you gotta tuck your sack back just to get the fit right. You dudes have been absolutely brainwashed by syrupheads like Weezy and Tom Brady’s bastard child Justin Bieber. C’mon, Son! in my best Ed Lover voice. This shit’s getting ridiculous.
I’m out in Brooklyn pretty heavy throughout the course of the year and damn near every single dude I saw out there was rocking super skinny jeans and a pair of Jordans. While I wholehearted co-sign the Js, I shook my head relentlessly at the parade of fuckery that is style in BK. But, lo and behold, this shit has reached epidemic levels. Dudes are walking around like they shop in the kids’ section of stores to find the leg-gripping, sperm-killing, ultra effeminate denims so they can floss in public. ARE DUDES REALLY OUT HERE IN L.E.I JEANS, B? Get all the way the fuck outta here. Immediately.
I’m a huge advocate for fitted jeans – not baggy, not too tight. These shits are an unequivocal staple in my closet for obvious reasons: they fit well and portray your body type much nicer than the late 90s/early 2000s denim umbrella jeans we wore; they come in a number of cuts and lengths, but don’t sacrifice style in the least.
Look, fellas – just because some 5’4″ dreadhead syrup fiend throws on some leopard print painted on pants doesn’t mean you fuckers have the pull or influence to do it yourselves. You look like you’re uncomfortable in your own skin…so you slip on a second layer of denim skin. Never gonna co-sign that and in less than 5 years, you’ll see pictures and wonder “the fuck what I thinking?”