Alright, alright, alright…so Lent’s right around the corner for you Catholic folks and I’m curious to hear what you’re pretending to give up for forty days and forty nights. Today’s Ash Wednesday, so I’m gonna go ahead and supply plenty of ash for you all right after I light this…ahh, much better.

Now, it’s typical for people to pick the low hanging fruits and give up on shit that they never even really had an interest in – “I’m giving up milk”. Cool story, but we know you’re lactose intolerant. Next – “I’m giving up SEX!”. Even cooler, but try giving up something you actually get. (See what I did there?) “I’m giving up dating scumbags.” Right approach, but if you’re bar crawling/stumbling, I bet you wake up with a stranger within two weeks, much less lasting 40 days.

Personally, I’m not giving up much. I’ve never been one to feed into the societal traditions of following Catholicism/Christianity/organized religion. Therefore, I’ll maintain my vices. Shit, Lent is basically “New Year’s Resolution Pt. 2”. For the folks that fell thru on their goals by January 7th, Lent is redemption time! I can practically hear it now – “I’m not gonna eat shitty food” or “I”m quitting drinking!”, although some of my closest confidants might needa really look into the latter. Buncha fucking lushes I keep near and dear to me.

The people that only try to give shit up for New Year’s or Lent are also the type of people that’ll swear up and down they’ll hit you up for the weekend…then drop off the radar for 48 hours or so – unreliable. If you don’t go to church more than a handful of time throughout the course of the year, what leads you to believe that you’ll be granted access to an existential bliss when your body decided to quit on you? Faith and continued self-improvement are just about the only way you’re gonna shake hands with (or dap) the son of God. Me? I had to add minutes to my data plan to try to get in touch with dude.

Let’s all try to give up shit that’s within our reach –

Fellas, for Lent, you should stop dragging the word ‘beautiful’ thru the mud in an attempt to bed some loose change. [Lent goal for you types – give up #TheThirst]

Ladies – stop getting so wrapped up in dudes that you forget about taking care of yourself first. If you can’t do this for a mere 40 days and nights, then you’re more than likely a lost cause that’s tiptoeing around a restraining order. [Lent goal for you ladies – lose your overbearing and borderline sociopathic ways]

Parents – stop letting your kids drink juice before bed, so they wake up with funky breath and rotting teeth. Dental bills are a muhfucka. Matter of fact, adopt this idea year round and cut down on your kid’s sugar intake…and chubbiness. [Lent goal – stop fattening your kid up by constantly indulging his/her sweet tooth]

Kids – go outside and play a sport, engage in some physical activity. Put down the PS3 control and run around. While you’re at it, tell your parents to stop letting you read my blog, lest you grow up to be a bad ass kid. [Lent goal – give up 6 hours of TV and video games when you should be studying, punks]

Oh, before I go, shout to the girls out there giving up the chocha for Lent. Some of us males appreciate it 😉